To Darkness

You are something that has added more character to my indulgence in any activity I have done.

I have loved the feeling when my eyes have lost their focus into you. Staring in your voids, I have seen faces of people I have lost and people I would have won. I have seen nebulous distinctions of faces long forgotten delineate into clear features and sharply demarcated contours.

You have compounded my involvement in any activity, intensified the auditory sense, amplified the subtle luxury of tactile sensations, tested my spatial visualizations and laid bare the incoherence of my five senses.

In darkness I have had many a thoughtless nights, and many a thoughtful nights sitting huddled into a corner staring at the bright rays of light slashing through the chinks in the door. 

In motion at a high speed, I have spent hours staring outside at the distant flickering lights. Walking along roads lined with whirring vehicles with trailing headlights, my brain has tried to come in rhythm with the sinusoidal sounds of cars passing by. Running along the beach on a breezy night, I have seen myself too tired to process anything but the wheezing sound of air trying hard to get to my lungs. 

I have enjoyed surrendering my reality to your realm of nothingness stretching far and wide, where my imagination has run free like a soaring bird and where my thought process has taken a pause after a long engagement in drudgery. 

I know that if all else fails, you will be the one that will exist.

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Of loneliness and little thrills

[This post stands out of the common theme most of my other blog posts follow and is nothing more than negative, egocentric gibberish meant to vent out a little bit of frustration.]

Loneliness gnaws at my head, and the relentless ferocity of it rankles me. I hate and regret how a seemingly harmless habit of seeking a bit of solitude devolved into a curse of chronic loneliness. I hate how I have spent the prime years of my life depreciating myself with self hate, which grated my confidence and brought me a good deal of frustration absolutely needlessly. 

People are ever ready to give their cents on whatever they are good at, but it's not the nicest feeling in the world when you lose the basic faculty of speaking and looking like normal like a majority of people do. The only things you get to hear about yourself are negative. These things aside, there are a few moments and a few activities which give me that kick of joy under any circumstance.

Waking up after a long siesta to the brilliant masterpiece by Edward Shearmur transports you to another world. It calms down the process of your getting your bearings. Those few moments when your mind is blank, and when all it has to process is the auditory sensation that this piece creates, are so full of energy and focus that they enable you not to let any of the mundane activities around hit you. It takes you to a place where you are powerful, righteous, unregretful and happy.

In the evenings after an intensive run or a workout which usually consists little more than lots of push-ups, when your body is so tired you can't do anything, lying in the bed in the dark room is another feeling you can only enjoy. In a couple of minutes you fall half asleep, and in the state of grogginess you feel as if your body is floating.

Sadly, I don't have any other thing that gives me a feeling of joy on a regular basis. Quoting Travis from Taxi Driver 'All my life needed was a sense of someplace to go. I don't believe that one should devote his life to morbid self-attention. I believe that someone should become a person like other people.' The only reason I am jotting it down is that I can't ignore it anymore and that writing is therapeutic for me. Holding it in and writhing in it's plight is of no help. Extrication is the key to calm.

I saw this movie (Taxi Driver) when I was in college. Lame as it may sound, I identified myself a lot with the protagonist. I found things in common with the character eerily which are rather uncommon in people. This is also a movie with one of the best quotes.

Quoting another of my favorites from this movie (and which sums up the last ten years of my life to _some_ extent) 'Loneliness has followed me my whole life. Everywhere. In bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. There's no escape. I'm God's lonely man.'

Caught in the labyrinth walled by my own delusions and negativity, I can only wait to leave this place. They say that brain is plastic - that it can be fashioned into something totally different. I hope this fact exists beyond just theory. I need new people in a new place. It about time. 

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